May 24, 2004 - 8:08 p.m.

Someone's Singing My Praises

B, who is prone to making up his own little songs, has recently taken to singing a little ditty that goes something like this, "Kris is a good girl. Kris is a good girl..." I am sure it is just his attempt at remaining in my good graces, but it is working. It makes me smile almost as much as his creation about the Amazon, "We're going to the Amazon River. Don't take a step without your hip boots on." :) He's such a fun and funny kid!

Over the past week I have needed all the smiles I could get. Just when I thought I was beginning to adjust to the idea of being without Sam, it started to get really hard again. Last week I was rather moody and occasionally morose. Much of the time I was content and even happy, but I couldn't seem to keep my mind from drifting to how much I miss him, how confused I was, how angry, how scared that I might never find someone to share my life with. I've been determined not to let this disappointment impact my life too negatively. All of a sudden that goal became a much greater challenge. But I am still coping and mostly managing to keep my life pretty normal.

Meanwhile, Sam arrived in the area, and I saw him for the first time yesterday, but only in passing. I was so worried about it, that I think I made it more awkward for both of us. He said hello, and I waved but couldn't speak or make eye contact. Afterwards I felt really foolish, but I really wasn't up to making polite small talk with the man who has helped me to be both as happy as I have ever been in my life and as sad. I am very much struggling with the desire to talk to him and be around him - he was, after all, my best friend - and the knowledge that being around him is likely to be painful for a while yet. I don't know where to find the balance between the two. I certainly don't want to lose his friendship along with his love.

I spent the weekend in NH with my roleplaying group. The weekend away brought a welcome change of scenery and company but also some uncomfortable memories. We stayed at our DM's family's house, a place Sam and I had spent several weekends together with various friends. Mostly I was able to keep the memories at bay, but at night, alone in my bed with the rain pattering on the skylights above me, it was impossible to not wish to have Sam beside me. Plus, I confess that I was experiencing some serious jealousy from watching our host and his wife, both good friends of mine, being lovey-dovey together.

The weekend also had some really fun moments to counteract the melancholy, though. The weather was miserable, so we had to stay inside rather than going hiking or mini-golfing as we had hoped. We played lots of cards and board games. We got to know each other better. But best of all, we staged our own version of Iron Chef with mango as the theme ingredient. It was a blast to participate in and culminated in some very tasty food. My favorite dishes were the pork with mango, raspberry, peppercorn sauce and individual phyllo, goat cheese, and mango tarts with brandied cherry sauce. Yum! There were also bacon and mango wrapped olives, cold melon and mango soup with prosciutto, mango, shrimp, and asparagus "sushi" rolls, beef, mango, and herb dumplings, tomato, mango, and leek tart, and mango parfaits. Everything was tasty and we had a lot of fun with it. The kitchen was in quite a state afterwards, but everyone, the competing chefs excepted, pulled together to clean up, and it didn't take long at all.

On the really bright side, I am finally making some progress on the career front. I had my volunteer interview at another hospital last week, and it went very well. I should be able to start volunteering there, with their child life specialists, in a couple weeks. I am very excited that I was finally able to get a volunteer position, and I am looking forward to finding out what the job of a child life specialist is really like. I may finally get a real idea whether this career is a good fit for me. I am eager and nervous at the same time. :)

I apologize for the long, rambling entry, but there has obviously been a lot on my mind and on my plate (both figuratively and literally) for the past few days. On Thursday I head to NM to spend the long weekend with a college friend and her new husband, the couple whose wedding I was in in January, I am looking forward to seeing a new part of the country, catching up with good friends, and camping. Hooray!

today's project: pinwheels, but they didn't work very well... *sigh* The kids didn't seem to mind, though

Did you know? Grapes, hidden in a pocket, can survive a trip through both washer and dryer!

consecutive workout days: none, blasted shin splints...

�

flutter back - fly ahead