May 10, 2004 - 8:34 p.m.

Developing Stories

Yesterday's NCV rehearsal was productive, exhausting, yet still frustrating. We spent almost the entire three hours working on a piece that was written for us to sing at Choralfest this coming Sunday. Problem one: we got half of the music not even a month ago (keep in mind we only rehearse once a week) and the rest maybe two weeks ago. Problem two: the piece is neither easy nor short. Problem three: we've already had two performances in the past week for which we had to work up other songs. Put all those problems together and you get a song that is coming together not quickly enough, which makes for very stressed singers and director. We're having one extra rehearsal tomorrow night, another Saturday, and we still may be embarrassingly unprepared on Sunday. That makes it really hard to look forward to the "privilege" of being chosen to perform at this festival and having music written specifically for our group. Oy. On the bright side, we will also get to sing two other pieces for the show, which we can do beautifully, so we won't look totally incompetent. :)

Another thing stressing me out is the fact that Sam is going to be living and working in this area for the summer. In fact, he will be renting a room in the house I lived in when we met and started dating. I have very mixed, perhaps even muddled, feelings about this fact. Primarily, it pisses me off that he broke up with me over the phone only to move up here less than three weeks later. His presence is likely to make things pretty awkward for our many mutual friends, too. I don't want people to avoid inviting us to the same events, but if we both show there's likely to be more than a little tension, at least initially. Of course, the part of me that still cares very deeply for him and misses him immensely, wants to see him. But the bitter, prideful part is entertaining thoughts of slapping him or just giving him the total cold shoulder. A related side of me can't decide between being around him and as cute and charming as I possibly can (though not towards him) in order to make sure he is fully aware of just what he's given up or avoiding him completely so that if he's made a mistake he'll realize it by missing me. Since the manipulative options are unbecoming, dishonest, and most likely pointless, I suspect I will leave our meeting or not partially to chance, and try to be as natural as possible when our paths do cross. Fact is, whether it's the right decision or not, he has decided he doesn't want to be with me. So, no matter how much I still love him, it's foolish to waste my time trying to punish him, cause him regret, or let him interfere further with my happiness. That conclusion is far easier written than acted upon, of course. *sigh*

Tomorrow I buy tickets to visit newlywed friends in New Mexico for Memorial Day weekend. We may go hiking and camping, which would be wonderful. By then I will probably also be happy to get out of town for a while and not have to worry about running into the ex.

I still haven't told the employers about the breakup and associated change in moving plans. I suspect they will be thrilled to let me stay through the fall, but I don't relish telling them about the split. They've always liked Sam and thought we were a good couple. They were really supportive during last year's hiatus. The kids love Sam... How does one explain a breakup one doesn't understand oneself to young kids? I guess I should just stick with "Sam and I just decided we'd rather be friends."

Can I just be cryongenicly frozen for the next several months? Somebody thaw me when it's time to start that internship in Baltimore....

today's project: making rice krispy treats and rubber band stamps

Did you know? There's a player for the Cleveland Indians by the name of Coco Crisp. No lie.

consecutive workout days: one - ran/walked over three miles today, appetite is still down, and I've lost a couple po

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