May 09, 2004 - 10:42 a.m.

For a Smart Person I Can Be Awfully Dumb

Did a very stupid thing last night... After getting home from an extremely enjoyable day of pool, bowling (I am getting consistent, having bowled a 94 and a 93), games, and general socializing, I was randomly missing Sam. Apparently it was late enough that, though I was still wide awake, my common sense was sound asleep, because I decided to read through all the old emails in my Sam folder. Ouch. Most of them were from the summer and fall of 2000 - that incredibly exciting and blissful period in which we were first dating, first getting to know one another, and first falling in love. Those were really hard to read, but I read at least a dozen of them. There were also a couple from the first breakup and reconciliation. Those actually allayed my fears that I had been hasty in letting him back into my life back then. They reminded me that I was more cautious than I had recently been giving myself credit for. I didn't just leap gleefully and blindly back into the relationship.

Despite the fact that reading the emails hurt a lot, it served some purpose. I think I needed a really good cry. I've loosed surprisingly few tears in the past week and a half, and I am convinced that bottling up my emotions that way is not entirely a good thing, even though it has allowed me to go about my life fairly normally.

Either way, I did it, and paid for it with a restless night of disconcerting dreams. Reading through the emails didn't bring any epiphanies. It didn't help me make sense of all I have been through with Sam. But it did help me gain a tiny bit of perspective on our relationship from start to finish. Recalling how incredible the start of it all was, I cannot regret having dated Sam or having let myself fall in love with him. I still haven't figured out what there is for me to learn from the experience, and that really bothers me. But, at least for now, I won't beat myself up for getting involved with him or for giving the relationship a chance last spring. On the other hand, I mourn its loss a bit more strongly than I did before. Ugh.

Today's remedy is a trip to the movies with some gal pals then NCV rehearsal. And I need to call my mom and grandmother.

�

flutter back - fly ahead