May 03, 2004 - 9:13 a.m.

Asserting My Independence

I did an odd thing this weekend. I wanted to get away from the house, and the weather was gorgeous, so I thought it would be good to go to the shore. That immediately made me think of Nantucket. Originally, I dismissed the idea as crazy. After all, every time I've been to Nantucket I have been with Sam. He introduced me to the island. His family owns a home there. Lots of once happy, but now painful memories. But after considering just staying on the Cape instead of taking the ferry over to the island, I realized Nantucket, aside from its close association in my mind with Sam, was the perfect place to go. It's compact, with both town and beaches within easy walking distance of each other. This time of year it is very quiet and relatively inexpensive. It also occurred to me that it would be a real shame to let Nantucket, since it is a place I love above and beyond the Sam memories, become a place I would avoid. So, with some trepidation, I boarded the ferry and set out to reclaim the island for myself.

I didn't end up regretting my decision at all. I mostly avoided the places that Sam and I had been to together, and the weekend had a very different feel than the times we spent there together. I did some walking and looking for shells on the beach, one I had never visited before that tends to be crowded in the busy summer months but was mostly deserted this weekend. I did a lot of ambling through town and shopping. I bought a couple of frivolous items, a skirt and a bag that were so colorful and cute they couldn't help but lift my spirits, and gasped at the outrageous prices in many of the stores. I even saw casual button down shirts that cost more than $200! My skirt only cost 25, which was a pleasant surprise. Also, in furtherance of my determination to be an independent woman, I decided to buy myself some jewelry. Nothing fancy, but I have always wanted a charm bracelet. I even mentioned it to Sam once when he asked for gift ideas. Rather than wish he had given me one or hope that I might get one from someone in the future, I just bought one for myself. I got a pretty, delicate silver link bracelet and my first charm, a tiny silver replica of the iconic Nantucket lightship basket. It will always be a bittersweet reminder, but I am not sure that is a bad thing.

I also took the opportunity to go on a historical walking tour of town. The tour was both fascinating and a welcome distraction from my cares. I enjoyed some lovely meals, great ice cream, warm sun, and chilly ocean winds. I also got pretty tipsy Saturday night while watching the Sox game in a bar. I didn't stay for the whole game, though, since after a while being alone and anonymous in a bar crowded with wealthy middle aged folk lost its charm even with a glass of wine, a margarita, and a mudslide in me. :)

I wouldn't quite say it was a fun trip, but it wasn't bad. I mostly kept the tears at bay, and had some happy moments. Now that I am back at home and immersed in my usual routine, I am recognizing that being away was a really good call. Even though Nantucket invokes many specific memories of Sam, I am finding that the little everyday reminders are more cruel. But, I refuse to wallow, and for the most part things are fine. I have a busy week ahead, which is good. NCV has two appearances in larger concerts this week, so my evenings will not be empty. I'd rather be at the gym this morning, than home with a sick M, but I have managed to not be cranky. I guess I should be thankful that Sam dealt the blow at the beginning of the weekend, so I had time to get over the worst before having to put on a brave face for the kids and employers.

[Just deleted a huge chunk of rambling paragraphs full of self-pity and righteous indignation. In replacement let me sum up by saying Sam's either making a big and stupid mistake or I've been deluding myself for a long time about the signals I was getting from him. Either way I'll probably never really be sure we weren't right for each other, and THAT pisses me off more than anything. But life is already moving on.]

today's project: B picked M for the letter of the day, so probably milkshakes and marble painting

Did you know? Nantucket means "faraway place" in the language of the Wampanoag who were the island's first inh

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