August 31, 2003 - 10:53 a.m.

Lovely and Not So Lovely

I had no real plans for the long weekend, so I decided to be spontaneous and drive up to Maine for the day yesterday. I drove up to Kittery first for some outlet shopping. I didn't find anything astounding, but I got a couple shirts and a pair of pants that actually fit my bizarrely shaped frame for a whopping $13! That was the shopping find of the day!

After walking around dozens of outlets for a couple hours, I was ready for a rest, so I drove a little further up the coast to York Beach, a tiny little seaside town. I drove up to the Nubble lighthouse, then parked right by the shore in town. I grabbed a sandwhich and hung out on the beach with my book for a while. Then I wandered around town and watched taffy being made, checked out the cute little craft shops, and visited the boardwalk arcade. In the arcade I played Millipede, Tetris, and tons of Skee-ball. I even managed to get my highest Skee-ball score ever, 300!

By then I was ready to head home. I had taken the highway up to Maine, so I decided to take the coastal route home, out of Maine, through the entirety of New Hampshire's brief coast, and back to Massachusetts. It was a gorgeous drive, and I could not have timed it better! The sun was just beginning to set as I made my final stop to explore the tidepools on a rocky beach. As I drove along after that, the sky just kept getting more and more gorgeous. To my left, the water deepened to a deep cobalt color as the sky became streaked with soft lavender and mauve. To my right, the sky was a brilliant aqua that turned to vivid turqouise against the strips of clouds which, at first, shone a bright gold in the last rays of sun, then gradually shaded through soft peach and into magenta. All of this above stretches of salt marsh broken up by stretches of some stunning, multi-million dollar real estate. It was one of the most gorgeous sunsets I have ever seen! Just as I thought it could not get any more beautiful, I noticed that one of the wispy clouds over the water had created a small section of rainbow! It was incredibly stunning, and it just kept going. The display lasted more than an hour, and I was just in awe as I drove the winding road along the coast.

When I got home I gave Sam a call. We ended up having one of those awkward conversations that always bother me, probably more than it should. Somehow when we are together, Sam and I always have plenty to say. When we are apart, from time to time, neither of us has much of interest to tell. We want, perhaps even need, the connection of talking, but end up with nothing to talk about. Those conversations, which are thankfully rare, always leave me feeling sad and frustrated.

As if that weren't enough, at the end of the conversation, Sam raised some reservations he has about me probably moving down there this winter. I think he's worried that I haven't entirely thought things through. I can be quite a bit impulsive when it comes to matters of the heart, so I can see why he would be concerned, I suppose. And in some ways, it wouldn't be the most logical move: I don't know anyone in Charlottesville but Sam, it isn't the best place to look for a nanny job, January isn't a great time to be looking for a nanny position, and, if all goes according to plan, I would only be there about 5 months before starting the internship in Baltimore. Still, I really think it is the best option for me.

Right now I am putting no money into savings. The money that would get put away is being spent on frequent trips to Virginia to see Sam, so moving would actually put me in a better financial position. That is if I can find a live-in nanny position so I don't have to rent an apartment or buy a car. Also, I feel that Sam and I really ought to figure out if this relationship is really going to work in the long term sooner rather than later. We can't really do that when we are only seeing each other about one weekend a month. Also, I feel my life is very much on hold up here in Boston. I love my job, but it is getting less challenging as the kids get older, and I don't see myself being a nanny for the rest of my life. Obviously my love life is in a bit of a holding pattern. Sam and I have a wonderful relationship, but it is hard to enable a relationship to grow across five states. So, I am actually excited about the move, since it feels like a big step forward for me. Maybe it is overly optimistic, but I hope that moving to Virginia will give me a bit of momentum to get my life moving in a positive direction.

I am probably overreacting, but Sam's sudden concerns freaked me out a bit. Hopefully it is just his cautious nature speaking up and trying to make sure I know what I am getting into - I do. There are a lot of "if"s built into my plan, and I understand that. Maybe Sam is just hedging his bets so that he won't feel guilty if I have trouble finding a job or friends or whatever down there. Being the worrywart I am, though, I can't help but fear he's bringing up these concerns because he is having second thoughts about me moving. I know it is my decision, ultimately, to move down there. But it is a really big decision, and I need us to be on roughly the same page about it. If one of us is uncertain about the move, it is going to affect our interaction once I get down there. I don't think we need that extra pressure.

With all that in my head after Sam and I talked, I couldn't sleep last night. We obviously have plenty of time to figure all this out, but I think I will call him today and talk it through, since it is clearly stressing me out. :)

Other than that, I plan to pretty much just chill out for the rest of the day. It is unexpectedly sunny out, so I want to do something outdoors. Maybe a bike ride. Then later I might go see a movie. Spellbound, the documentary about participants in the National Spelling Bee, is probably the most likely candidate.

Enough rambling from me!

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