May 21, 2003 - 1:48 p.m.

Funk

Editor's Note: Our usual author is unavailable today, and her hormones have obligingly agreed to take control of today's entry. Please note that the statements of said hormones do not necessarily reflect the opinions or values of this establishment. Thank you.

I am in a funk today, though I appear to be pulling myself out of it bit by bit. There are external factors at work here, but there is also the issue of PMS. Ugh. I usually don't get PMS moodiness, but this month it appears to be making up for overlooking me in the past.

Last night the VCR worked properly and did record American Idol while I was out. So I settled in around 10PM to watch. About 2/3 of the way into the show, I discovered the tape had run out! I was so worried about whether I had properly programmed the VCR that I paid no attention to how much of the tape was left. So I missed both Clay and Ruben's final songs. Ah well.

Thanks to staying up late to watch my partial tape of the final competition, I was not ready to get out of bed on this gloomy, cool morning. Plus, I knew I had a full day with B to look forward to, since we discovered he has conjunctivitis (pink eye to the layman) yesterday which is highly contagious until you've been using antibiotics for 24 hours. The girls were tired and whiny this morning, too, which didn't help my mood at all. I hate that, while I am not responsible for getting the kids to bed on time, I get to bear the brunt of their crankiness and intractability in the morning. Grrr.

I had already been feeling a bit unhappy about work lately anyway. I am not unhappy with my job so much as how I have been doing it. I am capable of being an excellent nanny, but lately I have not been living up to that ability. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been neglectful. I get the kids ready for school on time. I feed them healthy snacks. I even plan periodic arts and crafts projects for them. But my heart hasn't been in my work lately. I haven't been able to let go and be silly with the kids. I was letting all those little irritating things they do (H's dawdling, M's neediness, B's msichievousness) really get to me, and I had lost sight of what great kids they are, and how much fun I can have with them. I just hadn't been putting enough thought and effort into my job lately and was getting snappish and bored as a result.

So, today, despite my crappy mood, I decided to buckle down and be a good nanny, even if I didn't feel like it. It has worked to a degree. I am still not in a great mood, but the doldrums are mostly gone. B and I spent the morning playing Candyland, Memory, and putting a puzzle together. After all that one on one time, he was happy to play by himself with playdough, allowing me to sit nearby and read a magazine. It was a good morning for both of us.

Sometimes being a nanny is so fun and easy that I forget to work at it when it isn't so easy. I needed the reminder that I need to participate with the kids more than I have been, and that sometimes having fun with them requires some work (and an attitude adjustment) from me! Hopefully I'll be able to keep Cranky Nanny at bay until the long weekend. :)

I think over the weekend I need to spend some serious time thinking about the future. While I enjoy being a nanny, I don't think it is my long term career of choice. I need to come up with a vague game plan for moving on from here, probably via grad school. It's a complicated question, which is why I have been hesitant to face it full on. I at least need to figure out what my options and priorities are. That should help me towards making a decision about a geographical move as well. For indecisive me, though, this kind of planning will take some serious self-discipline. Not pleasant, but I think I will feel less stressed, more hopeful, and more myself once I have a basic roadmap as to where I would like to be headed even if it is only short term.

Phew! Enough deep thoughts for me. Time to veg with the TV before I have to wake B up from his nap.

today's project: remembering that being a nanny is a job and that I am a professional.

musing about: what I want to be when I grow up.

�

flutter back - fly ahead