February 10, 2003 - 1:40 p.m.

I'm getting sleepy...

I was reading to B after his lunch today, and my eyelids were getting really heavy. Now that he is sleeping and I have eaten my own lunch, I am really feeling drowsy. I have no right to be, since I went to bed before 10 last night and got up this morning around 6:30. Maybe the stress of auditions yesterday was more draining than I thought.

This morning I had a Bad Nanny (TM) moment. It wasn't a huge deal, but I am pretty ashamed of myself. I was combing H's hair, and it was really snarled. We're not talking bedhead snarls, we're talking food smeared in hair and then a restless night's sleep hair. I was being as gentle as possible, as I always am, and she was complaining that it hurt. I am sure it did, though I am also sure it was about as painful as a light pinch, far from the end of the world. I explained that I suspected she had gotten food in her hair and that it was really hard to comb. I also apologized for the fact that it hurt and informed her that I was doing my best to hurt her as little as possible. She continued to complain and then put her hand up on her head, right where I was combing. I aksed her to move it, she yelled that I was hurting her, and that's when I lost it. I yelled that I had to comb her hair whether it hurt or not and that it was her fault it hurt since she had gotten food in it in the first place. She clearly wasn't listening, as she said she couldn't help it if her hair got tangled in her sleep. In an even more exasperated tone, I repeated what I had said about the food. By this time, I think I was continuing to comb her hair, but I wasn't going out of my way to be gentle. I wasn't yanking, but I have to admit to taking out some of my frustration on her scalp. Before the snarls were finally liberated there followed more yelling, her trying to push me (not hard at all), and me pushing her hand away (also not hard). The situation was by no means abusive, but it wasn't pretty.

I dislike losing my temper with the kids. It is not an effective disciplinary technique, and since I take pride in being good at what I do, I dislike when I let my temper flare up. Worse yet, I know that it bothers me when H gets upset and refuses to listen to reason, and I know several ways of diffusing the situation. But instead of acting in a rational manner, I let the situation escalate. Ugh. No harm done; H wasn't even mad at me 5 minutes later, but it was an annoying reminder of how imperfect I am. On the other hand, I think that eventually H got the point and may be more receptive to my suggestion to wear her hair back and not lean over her food so much.

Luckily, the rest of the day has been fine. B is in a great mood, and after school I am taking all three kids to get their hair cut. That will pretty much fill our afternoon, so I am relieved of the need to come up with edifying activities. Phew. :)

today's project: hair cuts

musing about: why I let H push my buttons

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