May 18, 2004 - 10:19 a.m.

Living History

It is pretty exciting to be living in the state (well, Commonwealth actually) of Massachusetts right now. Yesterday city halls across the state began issuing marriage licenses for same sex couples, and the first gay marriages were performed. I was very proud to be a resident during this historic time. There was lots of news coverage, of course, and most of it made me really happy. Many of the couples that got licenses had been together a decade or more and were clearly overjoyed to be able to make their unions legal and official. There were only a few protesters, but they made up in prejudice what they lacked in numbers. Some held signs saying, "God Hates Gays." That really ticked me off, but thye have a right to express their opinion no matter how stupid. Overall, though, it was a joyous day.

Meanwhile, I am realizing just how long it is going to take me to get over Sam. I've been surprised are how normally I have been able to function since the breakup. Though at times I am extremely sad, I am not depressed. Though I am not very optimistic of my chances of dating in the not so distant future, I am not despairing. Other than this one issue, my life is pretty good. But for the past few days, when I have some downtime and my mind has free reign to roam, the thought of spending the rest of me life without him leaves me feeling a little sick to my stomach. I guess it's just hard to give up on all the hopes and dreams I had for us. I am back to being just me, and not really liking it. I can clearly be happy without him, since I am not, overall, unhappy now so soon after the breakup. But the adjustment is still really hard.

At the same time, I am aggravated by how this whole thing has affected my self-esteem. My self-worth is certainly much sturdier than is was after my last horrible breakup back in college, but it has, nonetheless, taken a big hit. I am the type of person that has a propensity to fish for complements in the best of times, and lately I have needed to resist that urge a lot, and it isn't something I am proud of. I guess it is somewhat understandable, though. Since I can't get inside Sam's head to understand his reasons for dumping me, and he hasn't been very good at explaining them, I suppose it is only natural that my wandering mind turns toward myself and seeks to find explanations in my personality, looks, etc. Then, in turn, I look to others to try to dispel those doubts about myself. At least I am aware of it all, know it's all irrational, and am pretty certain it too shall pass.

Some ot my entries are turning into personal therapy sessions. Sorry! I'll try to scrounge up some amusing anecdotes to share next time.

today's project: looking on the bright side

Did you know? Baby hedgehogs are called hoglets.

consecutive workout days: 2! Yay. :)

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flutter back - fly ahead