December 07, 2002 - 6:06 p.m.

The Waiting Game

So, I am waiting for a call from the Boyfriend In Absentia (hereafter referred to as BIA). It's been three weeks since he dropped the bombshell that he needed some time to figure some things out, and more than two weeks since we've spoken or emailed even casually. So, I figured it's about time to check in and see what's up. Fact is, I HATE uncertainty, so this limbo - not knowing where we're headed, not knowing the best stance to take, not knowing what he's thinking or how he's doing - has been driving me nuts. I thought about just calling the BIA, but he's in law school and getting ready for exams, so I didn't want to call at an inopportune time and complicate what is already likely to be an emotional and convoluted conversation. I chose instead to email him and ask him to call me when it is convenient for him or let me know a good time to call him. I sent off the email Thursday night, and haven't heard a thing yet (of course, since I use dial-up internet access, he could be trying to call right now, but I am not going to totally interrupt my life to make this easy for him). Grrr. Since we've been together more than two years, and he's such an incredible guy, I am trying to be understanding and give him the space he needs to work through whatever he's dealing with, but it has been pretty hard on me. Part of my difficulty is that he has had a hard time explaining exactly what it is he's trying to figure out, so my imagination is left to fill in the gaps. Not good. He said his feelings haven't changed about me; he said he needs to figure out who he is and what he wants to do with his life. Why that necessitates getting me out of the picture, I don't know.

In the meantime, I go about my life pretty normally, until I start to miss him enough that I can't quite get it off my mind, or until I get ticked off that after all I have done for him, he pushes me away when the going gets tough, or when I worry that out of contact will mean out of mind, and it'll be easy fro him to forget just how happy we were together. I've been in a couple very serious relationships, and this one was the most mature, most fun, most balanced, most rewarding of any of them. I was starting to think I had finally gotten it right, finally picked the right guy. I guess I am just not quite ready to give up on that yet.

On a happier note, I am almost finished with my Christmas shopping! I went into Cambridge today and visited several quirky little shops (well suited to shopping for my quirky friends and family!) where I lucked out. I actually found a gift for my Dad that he may actually like, took care of the sister-in-law, and found something suitably small and innocuous for the BIA's parents (one of the many awkward parts of the whole situation - to buy them a gift or not? I decided it couldn't hurt.) I also saw tons of stuff I would have loved to get for myself: cool picture frames, cute flannel PJs, and Diva David fridge magnets (you can dress the classic David magnet up in showgirl, Barbara Bush, or Mod Squad attire - too funny!)

Right now I am watching Jeff Corwin on Animal Planet. While HE annoys me, I have to say it is worth it to see some of the animlas. I should have been a zookeeper... then again, my job isn't all that different is it? :)

today's project: multi-tasking: laundry, Xmas CD, and scrapbooking

musing about: why uber chic boutiques so often have single word names like Topaz, Bliss, or Nomad?

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