December 29, 2002 - 9:54 p.m.

Uncertainty, the story of my recent life.

As you probably figured out from my earlier entry and the mention of seeing the Boyfriend In Absentia at the party, he is back in town. He's staying with friends and will be here until just after New Year's. Knowing he is nearby is distinctly unsettling. There are two obvious reasons: 1. Under normal circumstances, he would be staying with me and we'd be reveling in the chance to relax together without the strain of distance, school, or work looming over us. 2. Seeing him is almost as weird as not seeing him. How do you greet the person you still love very deeply and who, allegedly, loves you back but isn't sure he should be in a relationship? How do you keep your eyes from following him around the room and eavesdropping on his conversations? How do you prevent yourself from questioning your own worth when he is just a few miles away and has chosen to not spend time with you? He's not avoiding me, and as I mentioned earlier was quite affectionate last night, but he also didn't really actively seek me out either. I just don't know what to think. I am trying to act as though we are just friends, but it's quite the charade much of the time.

We're scheduled to have lunch together tomorrow. We'll see what unfolds between us without the buffer of other people. I am both eager and nervous. Argh.

As usual, I am also worrying about things that may end up being irrelevant. The awkwardness that was still present between us in person last night, though understandable, got me thinking. What it we get back together and things between us have changed irrevocably from the separation? I fear our relationship, even if it survives, has lost its innocence and that the work of rebuilding trust could prove too difficult. Ah well, it's all moot until/unless we get back together, so I will try to stifle my worrywart tendencies for the time being. :)

today's project: curling up with a good book then a good night's sleep.

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flutter back - fly ahead